Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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