There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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