I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize