You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
