Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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