I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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