I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
