I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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