And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
