Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
