I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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