she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
