watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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