if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just puked most of my soul out..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
