We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You are a genius and a whore.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
