I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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