the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
