She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
