Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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