I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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