apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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