remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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