you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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