Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
