I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm just crazy horny about you
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
