you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
