Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My ass is underappreciated
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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