you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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