i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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