Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
