well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
