What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
