Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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