Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
