Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
