Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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