i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
