gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize