there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
where are you?
Hypothermia
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
