Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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