he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
