I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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