You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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