So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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