i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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