I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
