sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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