I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize