I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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