Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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