I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
