i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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