I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
