if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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