I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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