we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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